Ups and Downs

Friday 17th March - The past few days my emotions and how I feel in myself have been all over the place. Sometimes I have felt really good but others I have felt quite down and somewhat tearful. I can't really explain why but silly little things have upset me and if I am honest I have probably been a bit paranoid thinking that people keep staring at me! I think maybe I need to just pull myself together and get over myself! It has been quite a busy week and it's possible tiredness may be playing a big part as well as my arms, especially my right arm, which are quite painful still. I have come to the conclusion that its maybe not so much the muscles as the veins, I think they have reacted to the chemo and have formed a kind of scar tissue so that when I try and stretch my arm it feels like there is no give in them and it feels like if I keep stretching the part of my arm that hurts will snap! Hopefully I may get some answers as to whether this is the case when I go for my next chemo on Tuesday.
Anyway, as I said it has been a busy week - I have been to work everyday although I did leave off an hour and a half early on Thursday just because I felt really tired. On Tuesday evening there was a Spring Concert at Northgate and Sam was singing in the choir - I really could not miss that, Reno was disappointed he could not be there - so after dinner we set off to arrive there at 6.30 p.m. for a 7 o'clock start. It was brilliant and, along with mum who came too, really enjoyed the evening. We arrived home at 9.20 p.m. (probably the start of my down fall this week as I am usually in bed by then!) shattered but thankful that I managed to go - I even managed to record Sam's choir on my phone so Reno would be able to listen when he was home. After a good nights sleep I was ready for work on Wednesday and - I thought - a meeting being held at the school to inform parents all about what was required for applying to universities, applying for student loans, booking to view universities etc. etc.! I had already arranged for my sister to come with me to the meeting - I thought her brain would be more alert than mine, and I was right!- so we set off at 6.30p.m. for a 7 o'clock start. I took a note pad (knowing what my memory is like!) and although we were told that all the information would be on the school web site I thought it would be a good idea to note down key points! About fifteen minutes into the meeting I felt like all that was being said was going straight over the top of my head. I looked around me and everyone else seemed so attentive - I felt like a bad mother! - once again I tried to concentrate but it just wasn't happening! I looked at my sister as I started to note down something that was important and she just said "don't worry I have got it" and there she was making all the notes I could possibly need! I have said before that both my sisters are angels and I want to say it again - they really are ANGELS!. The meeting finished at about 8.15 p.m. but it felt much later! Once again I arrived home shattered, however, another good nights sleep followed! On Thursday I struggled a bit to keep focused at work so I made the decision to leave off early and go home to relax! Sam was spending the day in the public gallery at Crown Court so she didn't need to be picked up 'til about 4 p.m.
I got home put my feet up and decided to make some progress on my fruit bowl - I mean pretty hat!!!! So I beavered away with the TV on in the background until I was almost at the point of putting on the brim again - I felt really chuffed I had achieved so much in a relatively short space of time but then I tried it on...............OMG it was still not right........I think that the fact I have no hair is what's the problem !! but I thought I had made the correct adjustments after making the first one!! obviously not........I took a picture of it (just to prove I had almost finished it again you understand!!!) and promptly pulled it all out! Time to get Sam me thinks!!!!!! Once home again I made a start on hat number three (or fruit bowl - whichever the case may be) I will not give up! I swear I will have this hat done and looking pretty on my head, no..... perhaps not by Saturday.......but ready for our holiday Monday 3rd April!!!! Reno was home tonight, straight away he sensed I am not myself but didn't push for reasons - he knew I just needed his hugs. Sam and Reno are great at knowing just when I need someone to simply hold me tight.
Today I am spending some time with my mum but not so sure if I am going to be good company  this morning tears fall when I least expect them and I have no real explanation. However I have tried my best to be cheerful whilst doing a bit of shopping and I keep looking forward to spending the weekend with Reno and Sam friends and family! On Saturday we are going to spend some time with our friends who will be cooking dinner for us and on Sunday we are going to Halesworth for 12 noon to spend some time with Reno's brother and sister in law who will also be cooking for us! What would we do without the weekends!!!