Bit of a rant!

Tuesday 06.06.17 & Wednesday 07.06.17
Tuesday and Wednesday were quite uneventful days - pottered about at home and rested quite a lot!
One piece of good news - our daughter passed her driving theory test!! Hooray! Well done Sam!

Thursday 08.06.17
Woke very early this morning and not sure why but I woke in quite a negative mood - maybe it was a dream that I couldn't remember that set me off but to say I felt low was an understatement! In fact I cried and cried which has only happened I think once before and all I can say was I wallowed like a big fat rhino in self pity!!! The following list was all I could think about and the more I thought about it the sadder I got and the more I cried! I didn't want to be hairless anymore, I didn't want my nails to look so skanky - they are very brown, ridged and a layer of nail is now starting to lift on my thumb from the cuticle end - it looks awful, I didn't want to have tingly numb feeling finger tips and toes and soles of my feet anymore, I was worried about surgery and how I would feel once the operation was over. Then there was the wait for the results - would they find any stray cells that had sparked off from the tumour and started to grow elsewhere - would there be any follow up treatment after surgery, what would that be like and how would it affect me, and above all I just wanted something to eat that tasted like it should because very little does!The other thing that was worrying me was I had snapped at Reno & Sam the night before for no apparent reason and I showed no signs of having a sense of humour at all. What exactly is happening to me - I just want to be me - this cancer has changed me in a way I seem to have no control over and I am worried that the person I was will never be seen again. I don't want to be that person I just want to be me, I want to be the wife and mum that I was before all this started and that Reno and Sam deserve - they didn't ask for any of this either and they have had so much to put up with. Then as the rant slowly ended and I started to pull myself together (I didn't want Sam to wake and find me in this mess!) I began to try and turn the negatives around and look for the one positive thing that I have to constantly hold on to - the chemotherapy that is the cause of most of the things above has actually made my tumour disappear! If it can do that then surely stray cells didn't stand a chance either - the tears slowly subsided and once again I came to the conclusion that all of the above are really a small price to pay because I am certain that in about 12 months I will be back to my old self - yes there will be lots of follow up appointments and check ups but that's all good - the future does look bright and I can't wait to say  - Carol what were you worrying about!!
Once up and about I felt much better the low mood had passed and I was looking forward to seeing my friends during the afternoon who were coming to take me for another walk around Needham Lake! When we got there it was sunny though the wind was a little chilly but that didn't spoil the sight of the lake, the goslings, the cygnets and the ducklings - all so very cute. What a lovely way to spend the afternoon again................this morning? Forgotten!!!

Friday 09.06.2017
Bit of a shock to the system this morning as I had to be up by 6.30 to get ready for an appointment at the hospital in the Nuclear Medicine Dept. for a Heart Scan at 8.45 a.m. Sam was coming with me (bigger shock to her system I think!!!) and we were out in the car by 8.15a.m. so all was well. The scan consists of two injections - one given 30 minutes before the other and then after electrodes being placed around the heart the scan commences and today lasted approx. 10 minutes. The second injection puts a radioactive tracer into the vein for the scan to follow. (You are warned to stay away from pregnant ladies and small children for the day!) The injections were slightly painful for a few seconds but only because of the state of my veins! Other than that it is a simple procedure and on leaving I was advised to drink a lot and pee a lot to wash the tracer out of my system!!! Next we went down to oncology to have blood taken to ensure that everything is ok for my treatment on Monday 12.06.17. As this was the last weekday of Sam's 4 week study leave I then decided that we should go out for lunch together by way of a treat for us both! This we did but then returned home extremely tired and had a very chilled afternoon in front of the TV before Sam went off horse riding. Relaxing for the rest of the evening as tomorrow is a big day - we are all going to Cambridge for the Open Day of Anglia Ruskin University so Sam can have a good look around in case she decides that is where she would like to study!